Thursday, January 27, 2011

How I was Castrated While using an Ax

Free-range Firewood
We recently had a large tree taken down in the side yard.  The more it leaned, the more I became concerned  about losing all vehicles, part of the driveway and possibly a small child.  (Please note:  this is NOT Abby's Tree (yet)).

Having a strong back and weak mind, I took it upon myself to split the wood for the fire pit in the backyard.  This of course involved the use of various axes and the purchase of a new splitting maul and some bizarre twisted wedge called a Woodblaster.

The logs were cut a bit too long and technically too green so the "splitting" involved me pounding on a section for all I was worth for anywhere between 1 to 3.7 minutes before a single chunk of burnable, split wood was removed.  I tell myself this is "exercise" while having R-rated fantasies about hydraulic log splitters from Northern Tool.

My loving wife comes out to observe her "man" in action (I assumed).  Chopper of wood, reader of books, hunter of beasts, provider of food and shelter....  yes, surely she felt lucky to be married to such a multi-talented renaissance man.

She watched for a few minutes and then asked dryly..."How come 'Pa' on Little House on the Prairie could split wood with ONE chop?"

Instantly, my height, self-confidence and testosterone levels fell to record lows.

"Thanks honey... I love you too."

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