Thursday, November 20, 2014

How to Sell an Unwanted Car on Craigslist as Quickly as Possible

As I've shared in the past, I live a bit of a double life.  White collared, card-carrying member of the rat-race by day, skinner of squirrels and killer of pigs by night.

My weekend car is a 1999 beautiful, red, beat-up Chevy Silverado pick-up with 185,000 miles on it.  I love this truck and to my recollection, it has only let me down once (story to come).  Many a good times have been spent in and as a result of this truck.  My daily driver/beater is a 15 year old Volvo S80 4 door sedan with 150,000 miles on it.  I'm not proud that I drive a European car / Volvo but it gets me from point A to point B so I can feed my family and afford to play on weekends.  Plus, it helps that a really close friend who is as honest as the day is long and an all around solid Christian guy has been a Volvo mechanic for 29 years!

Recently, my wife wanted a new car ("new" meaning we let some other shlub take the depreciation kick in the teeth and bought a 3 year old car with 4,500 miles on it).  Our marriage has evolved to where the wife gets a new car, I get her old car and we sell my old beater for pocket change.  Yes, I could afford a new car/truck but am (i) cheap and (ii) tight and (iii) don't like assets that INSTANTLY drop in value.

So, we take possession of the new car and I list my old beater on Craigslist.  If you've never sold a car on Craigslist, let me share a little secret.... it stinks.  You have to deal with people saying they want it who then don't show up, people who want you to take payments, people who will hit you in the head with a piece of pipe and steal the car and people who are running a variety of creative scams involving fake cashiers checks, shipping and foreign mission trips.

But the biggest issue is the process is a major time-suck.  AND, most people want to look at it on weekends.  AND it is hunting season.  AND weekends are made for hunting, not being hit in the head with a piece of pipe.

My goal was to not try to get every nickel out of the car and do something different to distinguish the car from the other 1,000s listed on Craigslist so it would sell as quickly as possible.

Below is my masterpiece.


+++++

2000 Volvo S80 - Affordable European Performance and Luxury - $2500



Please text or email. No phone calls.

For Sale -- One well experienced 2000 S80 gray Volvo.

While in this car, I can guarantee:
- Women will NOT take off their tops and throw them at you.
- You will NEVER get a "thumbs up" from a bunch of kids on a bus who think you are cool.
- You will NOT get dates because of the car.

Bottom line: if you are one of those shallow, weak people that lets a car define them, this car is NOT for you.

However, if you are a renegade... a person of special confidence... a rebel... one who goes against the grain... a person who marches to their own tune, read on Winner.

General Description:
Mileage: 148,000 miles
Body Style: 4 door sedan
Exterior: Institutional gray. Is the paint perfect? Heck no. The car has the required door dings, semi-oxidized paint and delaminating clear-coat of an automobile of this desirable vintage.
Interior: Beige leather. The minor splits and cracks are a permanent record and testimony of past good times.
Motor: Yes. The car has a solid, straight 6.
Transmission: automatic. No pesky clutch to destroy your left knee.
Amenities: power windows, power locks, power seats, power moon roof. The car is just dripping with power!
AV: The stereo has a poor-man's audio jack so you can play music off your phone, just like a car made this decade.

I've owned this car for the last 80,000 miles. It has been well maintained by Southwest Automotive (Volvo specialist). It has served its purpose. Time to let someone else live the dream!

Pros:
- Meat locker-like AC
- runs well
- bone cracking cold AC
- current registration and inspection
- cold AC
- New tires (5 months old)
- drives well
- gets occupants from point A to point B
- Volvos are the safest cars on the road
- AC will combat global warming if given enough time.

Cons:
- 148,000+ miles with the associated coffee stains, dings, dirt, wear and tear, etc.
- No one writes rock songs about Volvos
- ugly as homemade sin

Who should buy this car?
A person looking for decent transportation who does not give a rat's rear-end about coolness or looks.

Who should NOT buy this car?
A person who will come by to look at it and point out its dozens of flaws. I KNOW it has flaws. It is 14 years old with a boat-load of miles on it. If you would like a beautiful, new Volvo, please contact your local Volvo dealership and cut them a check for $42,000. Problem solved.

Also, I'm not set up to deliver the car, take payments, dismantle it and ship it to Nova Scotia or anything weird or out of the ordinary. PayPal payment scam artists, Nigerian princes, Deputy Assistant Finance Ministers for Upper Volta, and cashier check forgers need not apply. I'll sell you the car when you place cold hard cash in my hand and we fill out the paper work. We can meet at a bank or in dark alley under the cover of darkness, your call.

Is the price negotiable?
Is the Pope Catholic? Heck yeah. Make me a realistic offer and we'll make a deal.

_______

"Steve", the first person to call on the ad, is picking it up this Sunday!  Mission Accomplished!

+++++

A Man in the Woods

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